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제 목    writing issue 3.0도 이렇게 고치면 5.5~6.0(조은선 선생님)
제출한 답안지(3.0)

Topic: “Question authority. Only by questioning accepted wisdom can we advance our understanding of the world”

Wisdom of Bias

A lot of students want to enter excellent universities when they are recognized to need high qualified knowledge by social tendency. Nowadays, people who can easily get all kind of information by using various sophisticated machines. Those fact shows that people shift more complicated lives than before. Although, the article said, we can advance accepted wisdom. I agree with that assertion, but I disagree with that people understanding in the world. I have three aspects how wisdom affects an unjust bias of consequence in society.

First of all, wisdom can provide valuable advance in the world. Many doctors take care of their patients; if someone has gotten a rare illness, doctors struggle to discover what causes it. It’s just part of wisdom’s advance. We’ve already experienced many convenient products such as, internet, cell phone, etc.

Second, people who can’t appreciate social focus make a big fuss. News and magazines often announce that most people against with their governments because they don’t want to follow the government’s rules with grievances. In addition, those people advocate appealing their arguments. It is adapted social issues from follower after the government should regulate its own right determinants.

Finally, people concentrate too much own their benefit. For instance, several people continue to save for purpose. It causes egoism in society, while people don’t empathize with each society.

In conclusion, wisdom gives those bias aspects on our lives. If we can control wisdom ourselves, that provides better phases than now. We should contemplate which subjects are more important; wisdom or harmony in the world.

총평:
Issue
서론(에세이 전체의 첫 문단)에서는 토픽 자체에 대한 문제 제기를 하는 것이 좋다. 토픽에 깔려있는 사고나 가정 대한 비판 내지는 그것과는 좀 다른 관점에서 토픽에 대한 재해석을 제시한다. 단순히 동의하거나 반대하지말고 “왜 꼭 그렇게만 생각하는가?”라는 질문을 통해 토픽 자체를 자기 것으로 만들어야 한다.

본론의 첫번째 문단은 구체적인 것에서 시작한다. 자신의 경험과 관련된 이야기를 하면 이상적이다. 본론의 두 번째, 세 번째 문단으로 가면서 점점 추상적이고 광범위한 이야기로 나아간다.


수정한 답안지(조은선 선생님)

Topic: “Question authority. Only by questioning accepted wisdom can we advance our understanding of the world”

   Making a Balance: Doubting accepted wisdom while Taking It
The claim that questioning accepted wisdom advances us is only partially true. I am not trying to underestimate the value of challenging conventional thinking and established authority for our advancement. I, rather, think that we need a more balanced view on the issue and that we should consider both sides of the accepted and questioning the accepted as key components of our progression in understanding the world.

   During my early teenage years, as most of teenagers do, I tended not to obey my parents and teachers. I thought that I had more important things to do than what they told me to do such as studying hard, getting good grades at school, and preparing for my future success. I much more preferred hanging out with friends and sharing my interests with them. Thus, I felt that what they took seriously did not have much significance for myself. Yet, at this point in my life, I clearly see what my parents and teachers tried to teach me was as important as what I liked to do then. If I had lost either of them, I would not have what I have now: my hope and plan for future to get a master’s degree in media studies at a qualified graduate program in the U.S. as well as good interpersonal skills which I gained by my efforts to make a lot of friends.  

   Such respect for values of both of older and younger generations is one of the crucial aspects of learning and growing of an individual and society. In that sense large communication gaps between parent generation and my generation called the internet generation in contemporary Korea is a severe problem. In order for our country to economically, culturally advance more we need insights from past experience and at the same time inspirations from spirits to move forward.

   It is perhaps not only in Korea that the presence of generational conflicts and a need of mutual understanding between different generations are brought up as vital issues. Discords of the traditional and modern have been constant troubles in any society in the world. Troubles are not caused by an absolute difference between the two. They rather come about because of the lack of appreciation of the value of both.    

   Our view on the relation between established and new and traditional and modern needs to be freed from either or perspective. The relation must be approached not in terms of opposition but interaction. So as to progress younger generations should be able not only to question accepted wisdom but also to wisely accept it. When the former is nourished by the past, when the latter is part of the future, we can advance.









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